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On Depression
...don't know where the days are going. I think I might be becoming depressed again, I seem to do nothing but sit around in my pjs making suicide plans. I just feel so tired, even my bones are groaning with exhaustion. I know I need to make an effort again, get dressed, go out, have contact with my friends on here, but I just want to hide away from the world. In my head there's this phrase playing on some kind of continuous loop: 'I don't want to play anymore' and that just sums it up really. I don't understand the rules. Life is like some stupid game that I'm not very good at, the rules are made and changed arbitrarily and I can't keep up with them. I have no idea what's required of me, except that whatever it is goes against everything that's intrinsic to me. I don't even recognise my own reflection anymore.
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On Community
...I just cannot tell you how much these people here in this community have pulled on my heart strings to the point that sometimes I feel as if I will explode.. that is rare that you can feel so much for someone that you don't know... know what I mean.. I am so very grateful that I was invited to join this community. It has brought me up level to say the least...
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On Mania
...Sometimes I can really feel the hatred and anger whizzing along neurons and leaping across synapses - my head just fizzes and buzzes with it. Nearly every day now there's at least one period of me cradling my skull in my hands, moaning and whimpering in an attempt to soothe it - it's extreme mental anguish that stretches my physical endurance to its very limits. My surroundings are a perfect replica of the chaos in my head. Forget to wash, eat, dress for days on end - then spend a small fortune on clothes and make-up and eat enough in one sitting to feed a family of four for a week. Sweet and charming one minute, dangerously enraged the next. I do things and completely forget them - from the two shiny new VW Beetles I ordered within days of eachother, to swallowing enough prescription painkillers to kill me three times over, to hacking off my own hair.
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On what noone sees
I drift off into a weird sleep. How to describe this. I feel sick. Stemming from my brain to the rest of my body. Nothing is real yet nothing is dream. Sometimes I am aware I am awake, but cannot move even one limb of my body. I want to move and feel encased in cement. It is all I can do to continue breathing. And it hurts in my chest. Sometimes I realize I am crying. It just seeps out. other times I struggle for breath. I know I will die here in my bed. And I cant move. And I'm drooling. And this is so ugly. And I know I am alone. If one person reached out and touched my shoulder I would cry a million tears. Or myriads. Or I may not stop. For one moment of tenderness in this incredibly ruthless world I am trapped in...
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On Relationships
...when I found sobriety and had to deal with bipolar...I have had to change a ton about me. This changing and relearning really affects the relationship. I cant tell you how many depressions and black holes I fell into, hibernating in my apt. not wanting anyone to see me or talk to me. When your girlfriend is all hopped up on friday night after working all week , and wants to go get dinner and see a movie...I was like still in the fetal position on floor. At 7pm..havent eaten a thing all day. this was tough for her to take. People dont understand the bipolar depressions ....and most things my girlfriend would say made me more depressed and I felt even more worthless. Today, I rarely fall into deep depressions, but if I'm down...I let her know what I can or can't do. She has learned to accept this and deal with it, knowing I need my space and time...
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On Venting
...it is okay to get angry and to vent...this is a safe place. There is a lot more room outside of our bodies to safely vent and to get stuff out. Before I went into the hospital....I had stuffed EVERYTHING deep inside....and there just wasn't any more room to stuff stuff....and it had to come out somewhere.....so it came out in rage, in mania, through depression, and all the confusion that goes along with it...
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On Stereotypes
Has anyone else seen the latest Sprint PCS commercial? It's set in a "mental hospital" type setting. The "patients" are slack jaw and bleary eyed. All they need is the drool to complete the stereotype lots of folks have about the mentally ill. I find the ad incredibly insulting and cruel. Would they perpetuate a racial stereotype to sell phone service? Why should the mentally ill be singled out to be mocked in a commercial? Maybe I'm being thin skinned, but this commercial angers me. |
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